i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
