the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
