Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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