Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
This is the high leading the old right now
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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