God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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