I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
