my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
