After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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