I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
