You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
