allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
