Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
