I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
