I CAN MOONWALK!
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
