Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
