The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The cops high fived after they tackled you
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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