I didn't shave. On purpose
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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