YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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