Just took my morning after pill in the library
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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