the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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