Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
