I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
