Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
