kristin has been a bad kristin
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My ATM looks so different sober.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
