I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
