Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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