I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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