what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
