hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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