i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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