there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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