Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
