Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
