I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
