since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Randomize
