chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
