2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
