I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
