my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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