You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
