Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
