Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
