I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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