Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
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