everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
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He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
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I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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