i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
