im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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