Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
