Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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