she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm passing your future prison.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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