i wish peter jackson would direct porn
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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