I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
