I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
