she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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