i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
This is the high leading the old right now
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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